76 – Jon Raj & Chann – “What does it mean to actually forgive and how do I forgive family that continue to hurt me?”
“Thank you for your obedience in leading people to what I believe to be absolute truth about God. Your life has and is helping to change my life, my walk, my view and walk with God.
My question about forgiveness is that I know we are to forgive...but what does that mean, to actually forgive?? It’s very hard to forgive family that continues to hurt you when they are the closest to you. Especially my mother. I can relate to your story with yours. After you’ve forgiven in your heart, do you just act like nothing happened and it doesn’t bother you and continue to deal with them in the same manner?
What are your thoughts? Thank you.”
When Forgiveness Doesn't Mean Reconciliation: Navigating Hurt in Christian Relationships
Forgiveness. It's the foundation of the Christian faith, a command from Jesus Himself. But what does it truly mean to forgive, especially when the hurt runs deep, inflicted by those closest to us? Often, we confuse forgiveness with trust, assuming that releasing the offense necessitates restoring the relationship to its former state. However, Scripture paints a more complex picture.
We are obligated as Christ-followers to forgive, as Jesus teaches in Matthew 6:14-15, "For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins." This forgiveness is a release of the debt owed to us, a refusal to hold the offense over the offender's head. It doesn't condone the action, but it frees us from the bitterness and resentment that can poison our hearts.
Ideally, forgiveness leads to reconciliation, a restoration of fellowship and trust. This is especially true within the body of Christ, where we are called to pursue peace with one another. However, reconciliation requires repentance from the offender, a willingness to acknowledge the wrong and seek to make amends. Jesus said, “if he repents, forgive him” (Luke 17:3) What if the offender remains unrepentant, continuing to cause harm?
This is where the distinction between forgiveness and trust becomes crucial. We can forgive the offense, releasing the debt, while still recognizing that trust has been broken. Just as a victim of assault is not obligated to place themselves back in harm's way, we are not required to continually subject ourselves to abusive or toxic relationships, even with family. Forgiveness does not mean pretending nothing happened, or acting as if the hurt doesn't matter. It means releasing the past debt they owe you, but wisely managing the relationship, setting boundaries to protect ourselves from further harm.
Trust, unlike forgiveness, is earned. It's built over time through consistent demonstrations of repentance, changed behavior, and a commitment to honoring the relationship. While we pray for reconciliation and the restoration of trust, we must also prioritize our own well-being and safety, trusting God to bring justice and healing in His time.
