25 - Aisling – “It really feels like God does not want to help me.”
“I just want to have something, well since Saturday I am not the same, maybe God has left me completely. I don’t look as myself either.
I just want to tell you that I am developing emotional attachment to this person I know it is wrong.
I am very lonely there is really no sure foundation in my life in any way, shape or form.
My heart desire won’t be met so I am forgetting about it.
I think I should forget about God and just let what ever happen to me happen, I am fighting a losing battle. I am not strong enough to go God’s way, and I don’t have resources that I need. It mostly seemed as though it was my will alone. That was all there was as I didn’t fall apart but now, I am falling apart, I am very lonely and being involved with this man who seems to be all that there was in my life. It really feels like God does not want to help me. I do feel very sorry for myself. I don’t know what God wants of me. I think I should forget about God. It’s too difficult. I have suffered a lot. I am expected to be a robot and an island out on my own, to be a single woman following Jesus. I cannot accept this and there were a few friends who I thought that were appointed by God to be in my life, but I feel they are not. I feel like it’s all a mistake for me, that I am far past the original plan God had for me. I am not sure if I believe God loves me, I doubt it I don’t think I ever feel the touch of God. I cannot be a robot and a machine.
I don’t need to be judged again. ”
Dead to Self: Embracing Full Surrender
Are you walking through a difficult time, a season of pain and confusion? Does life feel like a rough, painful journey? You're not alone. Many of us reach a point where our carefully crafted plans crumble, leaving us feeling lost and purposeless. We get stuck in a cycle of feelings – fear, loneliness, doubt – and forget the bedrock truth of faith.
Remember the story of Lazarus in John 11. His sisters pleaded with Jesus to come quickly, yet He delayed for two days. Why? He waited until Lazarus had completely stopped struggling, until he was fully dead. Sometimes, God waits for us to stop fighting, to cease our frantic efforts to save ourselves. He longs for complete surrender, not a partial yielding or a pretense of giving up control.
You may be inundated with feelings right now. These feelings are real; don't deny them. But feelings are not facts. They are fleeting, unreliable guides. True faith rests not on how we feel, but on who God is. He is sovereign, in control of everything, even when circumstances scream otherwise. Trust Him, even when your heart is filled with fear and doubt.
Tozer taught that God cannot fully use you until He first fully conquers you. This means surrendering your will, your plans, your hopes, and embracing His. This isn't easy. It's a death to self, a letting go of everything we cling to for comfort and control. Like a fish out of water, we flop and flip, desperately grasping for air, for a way to save ourselves. But God wants us dead to self, so that Christ can live in and through us.
Don't try to fix the way you feel. Don't try to manipulate God into giving you a comfortable life. He isn't interested in making you happy, healthy, and wealthy in the ways the world defines these things. He desires to conform you to the image of His Son, and that often involves the painful process of refinement. As Jesus said in Luke 14:33, “Anyone who comes to me and does not give up everything he has cannot be my disciple.” And do not be afraid, it is not all suffering, even though it may look or feel like it sometimes, like in mine and Lisa’s life. He knows when you need a break and He will refresh you along the way, with a few good “meals” to keep you from collapsing (Mark 8:3). Lisa and I have seen Him do this over and over in the last few decades of our life.
Quit the struggle. Give in. Surrender, not just your will, but your very life to Him. Tell Him you want His will, not your own. Abandon your plans, your hopes, and your desires. Don't just surrender your will hoping God will do yours in return. Say, "Lord, I am done. I give it all up. Your will be done in my life, not mine. You are the owner and Master of my life, not me!"
Imagine Jesus on the cross, struggling to stay alive for 60 hours instead of six. A prolonged death, a more agonizing surrender. Don’t prolong your suffering. Die to self. Embrace John 12:24: "Very truly I tell you, unless a kernel of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains only a single seed. But if it dies, it produces many seeds." In that death, in that full surrender, you will find true life, true purpose, and true joy in Christ.
