86 - Lee – “Your teaching on Apostasy shook me to the core and I am terrified.”
“Hello Michael, my name is Lee. I just read episode #72, titled Apostasy, about Hebrews 6:4, and it absolutely shook me to my core! I am terrified after reading your brief message because I was born again and experienced a supernatural relationship with the Lord and then fell away and grieved the Holy Spirit. I truly pray that you read my message and email me back. I trust your counsel and opinion more than most people in Ministry today. I hang on to hope that I have not lost my salvation for 2 reasons.
1.) David Wilkerson gave a sermon on Hebrews 6:4, that gave a different interpretation than yours (and I think Tozer may have written something about it that gave me peace).
2.) Then 2.) I still feel the Holy Spirit, especially when I seek to obey Him and make physical steps to get sin out of my life and put Him first. I know I don’t deserve Him or salvation at all, but If I was damned, it seems I wouldn’t feel His presence anymore? I don’t know, but I would like to share a bit of my story with you. I pray you have the time to read and offer some advice.
I first found your videos around 2016, when I was living in a sober living house. I had recently found the Lord in a dramatic way, when I found myself at my 4th drug and alcohol rehab center, in a state of hopelessness and despair. I cried out to the Lord for help and chose to believe in Him, and He showed up in my life in a big way! I went through episodes of spiritual warfare, and many other miraculous things over the next few years, as I sought to understand what it means to be a real Christian. I listened to a lot of sermons on YouTube and read a lot of books from authors that I heard you mention, like AW Tozer, and Andrew Murray. For the first time in decades, I was able to stay sober. At times I was tempted to drink because of depression but knew I couldn’t, or I would be homeless. So, I would cry out for help from the Lord, and I would feel a warmth and a peace and joy build up in my heart, until it felt like it was overflowing, and my heart would feel like it was literally shining, and then I wouldn’t want to drink anymore because I was so full of joy! The Lord poured out His grace on me during this period of my life.
For the next 4 years I experienced a real closeness with the Holy Spirit as I tried to grow in my relationship with Him, but still struggled with some besetting sins, like lust, laziness, and fear of man.
Then around 2020, I started to really struggle with loneliness, anger, and depression. I had recently read Tozer’s book about the Baptism of the Spirit and remember reading a part where He said God isn’t going to give you this baptism of the Spirit if you don’t really want it. He may call you out of bed at 3 am to pray or do things that are very difficult. Soon after I had a clear vision of Jesus before me, hanging His head in anguished sorrow, refusing to look at me as He told me: “You don’t want it”. This struck an absolute fear in me, and since then I have been terrified that I’ve lost my salvation. Not too long after this, I did the unthinkable and relapsed, because I felt like God wasn’t talking to me anymore. (Although, I know He was calling me to deep prayer, speaking to my spirit in strong but subtle ways, but I ignored it and sometimes turned on the TV instead of seeking communion with Him.).
Once I relapsed it became very difficult to stay sober again. I didn’t feel his presence as strongly after that. And even went through some pretty intense, spiritual warfare and demonic attacks, but kept praying and they eventually stopped.
So, in July of 2021, I decided to move from my home state to be closer to my sister. I got back into AA, and tried my best to rebuild my relationship with the Lord. At times I felt Him in dramatic ways like a renewed sense of hope and a feeling in my spirit that I was forgiven and at peace with the Lord. But it seems that it wouldn’t last long because I would give in to sin shortly after and then find myself in a state of uncertainty and confusion. The last few years went by, and I had many short slip ups (lasting a week or so), and my periods of sober time in between my slip ups got shorter and shorter, and I felt the Lord’s presence less and less, until I decided to go back to rehab in December of 2024.
Since then, I have been doing a lot better and have been deliberately trying to obey the Lord and surrender my life to Him. I recommitted my life to Him and have put Him first above entertainment and my desires for a companion. For a long time, I was almost obsessed with finding a wife, but now I have made peace with the fact that it may not be the Lords will and I’m ok with that. I want to put Him above my desires for a partner and let His will be done whatever that may be. If I am alone the rest of my life, I will be happy as long as I have Him. Once I made this commitment to Him, I felt a great weight fall from me and an intense feeling of joy and peace. This gives me hope that I haven’t been cut off from Him and that I’m not damned if I can still feel the Holy Spirit move and work in me. I know I don’t deserve His forgiveness, but I pray He has mercy on me, and I am not deceived in any way by the enemy as I work to get all sin out of my life and surrender everything to Him.
Thank you for reading my story and sharing yours online. I pray that our Lord will continue to bless you and your family.”
A Changed Heart, A Transformed Life
The battle against sin is a struggle many of us face. We may feel trapped, defeated, and ashamed, as if there's no escape from the cycle of temptation and failure. But there is hope. As the Apostle Paul wrote, "Thanks be to God—through Jesus Christ our Lord!" (Romans 7:25).
The journey to freedom begins with recognizing our own powerlessness and surrendering our will to God. It requires acknowledging the depth of our sin and crying out for His mercy. "If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness" (1 John 1:9).
The Holy Spirit empowers us to resist temptation and walk in obedience. But like I told Lee in today’s recording, it often requires a willingness to suffer in our flesh, to "put to death the misdeeds of the body" (Romans 8:13). But as we stand firm in our faith, God's grace will strengthen and sustain us. "He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak" (Isaiah 40:29).
Be wary of seeking freedom in worldly solutions, pills, and the programs of men (think AA) that offer temporary relief but ultimately leave us empty. "Those who cling to worthless idols forfeit the grace that could be theirs" (Jonah 2:8). True freedom is found only in Jesus Christ. He offers a one-step program to freedom: complete surrender and faith in His power to cleanse us from all sin.
As we walk in obedience to God's commands, we experience the transformative power of His love. We become new creations, empowered to live lives that reflect His glory. "Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!" (2 Corinthians 5:17). Embrace the freedom that is yours in Christ, and walk in the newness of life He offers.
