47 - Denise – “I feel like, no matter how hard I try- I just keep failing.”
“Dear Michael, I wanted to thank you so much for your testimony and sharing it with the world. I stumbled upon your story, and I was surprised by how much of your story I identified with. I had been in the “dark night of the soul” experience since 2006.
I had been growing in my relationship with the Lord over the years. I turned my will and my life over every single morning and asked God to empower me to do His will. One morning I was praying on the way to work and the Holy Spirit whispered to me to prepare for what was coming. I prayed even harder and longer that morning. The principal in charge at the school where I worked had it in for me badly. I ended up in what was referred to as the “Rubber Room”. It was a place where they reassigned teachers to show up, Monday through Friday, to sit and do absolutely nothing while being on suspension with pay. I met a lot of Christians in that place. I thank God for them. I was in turmoil. Everything I worked so hard and so long for was in jeopardy. I stood to lose my reputation, ability to work in my state and my ability to provide adequately for my family.
I went through hell. I was tormented by the administration while in the Rubber Room. I was slowly falling apart. I ended up having a nervous breakdown, which caused me further problems as my attendance was sorely affected. I was written up for that as well. There I was breaking down and there was no compassion. There was only torment. I woke up crying and went to bed crying. I was in this situation for a year and a half. The one thing that I had was faith. I had other Christian brothers and sisters in that fiery place, praying with me every day. I was so ashamed that I could not and never did tell my biological family.
Eventually I ended up being terminated in October of 2007. I had no money coming in at all. NOTHING!! I did not know how I was going to pay my bills. My son was a young boy at the time. I was his rock and I was crumbling. All I had was credit cards-a lot of credit cards. So, I paid bills with credit cards. I had no choice. The only thing I couldn’t pay with the credit cards was the rent. One day, I went to child support enforcement and asked them to review our case as I was desperate. I never asked for more money from my son’s father as long as I was working. The day I showed up at child support enforcement, the lady behind the counter said- “I’m so glad that you showed up today!” I had no idea why she was saying this to me. As it turns out, my son’s dad was earning a lot more than he had when we originally had a support order. The child support was increased by the courts to $900 per month. This was EXACTLY how much our rent was! I began crying and praising God in the middle of the room! Jehovah Jireh- my provider! I asked the Lord to be my husband because I had no one else to help me. No family, no friends- nada, zip - none. Once again, the Lord showed me He IS faithful.
I was still in dire straits because as the debt mounted- my inability to pay it was also worsening. I had found a job in the next state to work. I was so happy and relieved. I would play my Jeremy Camp CD on the way to work every morning, singing at the top of my lungs! I know I must have looked like a crazy lady, but I did not care. I knew I had been blessed with a second chance. I had to be up at 4:30 am and didn’t return home from work until 4:30 pm every day. I was GRATEFUL. However, there was a vindictive man in my life, and he had been sent by the enemy to work evil against me. He wrote me a nasty letter, accusing me of things I did not do.
He also carbon copied that letter to the principal in the new school where I was working. I was so hurt and scared. I could not go through this again. I quietly packed up my things and left the building and turned in my letter of resignation. I did not want to defend myself against lies.
Prior to getting that job, I had applied for disability because I was having a difficult time functioning. I had once ended up in the hospital because I was suicidal. When the new job ended up sabotaged- guess what happened? My disability case was approved. My neighbor, a God-fearing woman, told me to stop worrying and just stay home and take care of my son. I did. I got into therapy and was put on antidepressants and anti-anxiety medication. It seemed like it was helping but after a while, it wasn’t helping anymore. I went to the psychiatrist still super depressed, broken and filled with fear, unable to sleep properly at night. He wanted to increase my medication.
That day, I stood up and paced the floor and told him, in a very loud voice, THIS IS A SPIRITUAL MALADY- I DON’T NEED MORE DRUGS!
I wanted to know why God allowed all this. I was a believing Christian. I went to church on Sundays. I prayed and I tried to live right.
Why was I being punished??? I walked out of the doctor’s office and I stopped taking the medication last year. I had had enough. I ended up having to claim bankruptcy because I could not pay off the debt with my disability check and child support. We just about had enough coming in for our basic needs. The Lord blessed us with terrific neighbors who walked me through the process (as they had
been there due to identity theft). They gave me the name of their lawyer and walked with me every step of the way. The Lord promises to NEVER leave nor forsake us. He sent these people by grand design.
Now it’s been some years since all of this happened. However, I’ve been stuck. I have prayed and prayed and fallen apart mentally once again- only this time I didn’t go back to the doctor or therapist. I was crushed that my career was destroyed. I still cannot get a job in my state and I’ve no idea why as I still have my state license. I feel like I’ve lost my sense of purpose. Every day I cry. I know I’ve had to forgive the people who did the things to hurt me and my family in the past and I do. However, we are still living on disability and child support. I often slip into despair wondering how I’ll ever survive when I reach retirement age, which is quickly approaching. My son is in college and in two years the child support will be no longer. I allow myself to get caught up in the fear of wondering how I am going to make it, and I also often feel like God has abandoned me.
I spend a lot of time searching for answers. I seek Him every day. I don’t get out of the house because I’ve developed agoraphobia, a by product of the anxiety. Sometimes, I feel like, no matter how hard I try- I just keep failing. I try hard to keep the commandments of God, although I occasionally slip up and then shortly thereafter repent. I am not perfect. There is always so much I can do each day to deepen my walk with the Lord and try to learn from this present circumstance.
I have a hard time getting up each day as I feel that my life no longer serves a purpose. I need a purpose!!! Not having a sense of purpose makes me feel hopeless. How can one feel hopeful without a sense or purpose? This is what I struggle with right now. I know that my life is no longer about “me” ...but about “HIM”. I want to choose “the right”. I just don’t know what that is anymore. I ask constantly- so much so, that the Lord probably tires of my incessant asking.. (Like a parent with a child sitting in the back of the car asking why..??? and when are we going to get there???)
Finding your videos and your website, helped me to know that I am not alone. It made me feel that for the first time, someone else understood and felt and experienced all the things that I had. I have no desire to chase after the things of this world anymore.
I am tired... NO! - weary to my soul. I realize that we are living in the last days and that we need to get it together before we either leave here or the Lord returns (whichever comes first).
I guess I am rambling now. I just wanted to share my story and my current progress and where I’m stuck. I am sure that there are many others whose lives will be blessed by your story and the honesty of heart with which you share. I pray and trust that the Lord will use you mightily to reach His children!! Keep on shining the light my brother.
God bless you and your family. In the name of Jesus Christ. Amen.
With Gratitude and Sincerity,
Denise
”
Enduring the Cross: Finding Joy in the Midst of Suffering
Like Denise, do you find yourself in a season of darkness and difficulty, clinging to God but wondering when the dawn will break? Take heart, dear friend. This devotional is a message of hope and encouragement for those enduring the fiery furnace of affliction.
The Christian life is rarely easy, even though most of us have been brainwashed into thinking it is. Jesus himself suffered, and we are called to participate in his sufferings (Philippians 1:29). It's easy to praise God when life is smooth sailing, but our faith is truly tested in the darkness. It's in those difficult circumstances, when we continue to trust Him despite the pain, that we bring delight to our Father.
Remember Job's perseverance (James 5:11). He endured unimaginable loss and suffering, yet he never cursed God. He clung to his faith, and God eventually restored him beyond measure. Your journey may feel like Job's. You may have lost much, endured hardship, and questioned God’s plan. But if you continue to cling to Him in faith, even when you don’t understand, you are responding well. God sees your faithfulness, and He will bless it.
God uses suffering to shape us and refine our faith, just as a blacksmith tempers steel in the fire. He knows the exact prescription for each of us, the precise circumstances needed to purify our hearts, make us like Christ, and prepare us for His work and blessings. This process can be long and painful, but it's essential for our spiritual growth and maturity.
Don’t be discouraged by the time that seems lost, the years that feel wasted. God can shorten time. He can redeem the past and use it for your good. A time is coming when no one will take away your joy (John 16:22). A time is coming when your darkest days will become your brightest testimony, when the worst thing that ever happened to you becomes the best thing.
Keep your eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of your faith (Hebrews 12:2). Remove any obstacles that hinder your relationship with Him. Forgive, apologize, confess, and cleanse your heart, making room for the Holy Spirit to dwell fully within you.
Trust the Lord completely. Do not fear. Do not worry. Seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well (Matthew 6:33). He is faithful, and He will provide. He will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you with my loving eye on you (Psalm 32:8). Listen to His instruction. Obey His commands. And rest in His sovereign love.
Your Father has a plan for you, a plan to redeem your suffering and bring you into the fullness of joy in Christ. Endure the cross, patiently scorning its shame, and you will experience the resurrection life He has promised.
