70 - Anastazja – “I find your videos disturbing because they make the Christian life seem so hard.”
“Hello,
I listened to some of your videos on YouTube website and I found them disturbing, not in the bad way, because I believe you speak (or write) the truth based on Scripture but disturbing for me because they make the Christian life seem so hard.
For the past several years (and I’ve been a Christian for a little over 7 years) I’ve been struggling with these issues how must my life look life, what does God really require. It’s very difficult to put it all in one email but I’ll try to be as straightforward as I can and I believe that when (and if) I get a reply message from you, you will not be sugar-coating. I want the biblical truth although I’m very afraid of what it may look like…
MICHAEL NOTE: I found Ana’s email to be remarkable and full of details, so I chose to read the rest of it word for word in today’s audio episode.
Anyhow, my struggle comes from this fact I would like to follow Jesus with ALL my heart, and not compromise but when I look at some of the commandments and the way that God wants His people to live, I find myself torn. Still, I cannot imagine going any other way but serving and loving God with all my heart.
I especially struggle with the following verses- Romans 12:1- to offer myself a living sacrifice. Now, I would like to lay down my life, I have no plans of my own, no ambitions etc. that I wouldn’t submit to the Lord, and I desire to do His will. However, if I take it word by word, I understand that NOTHING is my own anymore, no part of my body etc. By presenting my whole body, I understand that I must give my eyes to the Lord, my feet, hands, tounge, mind, thoughts, emotions etc, I mean, if I surrender 100% of my time to God, will I be able to do my own things? Let’s say I want to go rollerblading or go to a shopping centre..or even log on and scroll Facebook..Do you think I should ask God before I do any of these, if He doesn’t mind? And the same with money.. If all my money must belong to God, will I be able to buy the stuff I want? I don’t mean spending loads on myself.. I want to live rather simply. However, what if I feel like buying ice-cream or a new skirt or something. Should I ask God if I can? What would Jesus do?? And most of all I’m totally afraid of giving God control over my body, i.e. mind, tongue, emotions etc. If I give God the total control over my thoughts (mind) and my tongue, will I be able to say anything on my own? The Bible says that Jesus said or did NOTHING on His own, and I must follow Him, so does it mean I can’t either. Should I be so Spirit filled that only God inspired words come out of my mouth.
I struggle with this, because I see no one living that way. Even the preachers I respect (even Leonard Ravenhill, Paul Washer, Zac Poonen) would joke sometimes, and I don’t think that any joke is God-inspired- it’s just us speaking funny things that come to our minds. I’m not talking about laughing, joking and entertaining myself all the time, no, I wouldn’t like to live like this. I want to be a serious and committed christian, but I want to be able to joke and laugh sometimes, or even tease someone lovingly, like a family member or friend.. However, if I must surrender my whole body (including my mind and tongue) to God, and also I’m commanded to be Spirit-filled, does it mean that God will influence and control my every word or thought?
I can imagine myself being so filled and controlled by God that I only say His words and nothing else, why other, even serious and committed christians I know, will have normal conversations (talking about God, praying together, but also laughing sometimes or having fun together or just talking about normal affairs of life). When I tried speaking to other people about this, to older and mature christians, they said they believe that one can be a serious, Spirit filled Christian and still talk normal things, joke and laugh sometimes etc. However, when I read the Scriptures- especially the Acts, I can’t imagine apostle Paul ever laughing or having normal conversation. Or if he by any chance was talking about normal everyday life with somebody, it was always with purpose of drawing them to God and that Paul still allowed God to influence his every word. Also, I can’t imagine Paul or other Apostles playing football (or whatever games they had back then) with kids and laughing and hugging them).
What is your view on all this, especially the matter of surrendering my speech and tounge to God and letting Him TOTALLY control it as well as all my thoughts??
And also, there’s this verse, that whatever we do, we should do ALL things to the glory of God. In general, I would like to live for the glory of God, however the idea of doing every single thing for His glory alone seems heavy and restrictive to me.. Again, how does it correspond with joking etc? And also, if I play with my cat, is it for the glory of God? There are so many situations like this. I’ve heard someone say that to do all for the glory of God means simply that we should do nothing that dishonours Him and I like this idea. But, what if the verse means something more? Did Paul mean that we should be so filled with the Spirit of God and so heavenly minded that every smallest thought or word should be focused on God’s glory alone? I can’t imagine myself living like this and I don’t know anyone doing this, but then, again I can’t compare myself with other Christians I know, however mature and old and godly they are, but with Scripture.
All of this makes me feel so condemned, and heavy, that I lose my desire to live. On one hand as I said, I want to be a true follower of God, but when I look at these commandments and take them seriously I find such like quite miserable. I know the Apostles were happy and joyful, but I’m afraid of living like they did.
One part of me wants to become exactly the person that God wants me to be, to obey His every word and command, to love Him with all my heart, to be open and let Him do ANYTHING He wants with me and in my life. I’d love to live wholeheartedly for God, but still be normal.
When I look at modern Christians I respect- the ones I’ve mentioned earlier, and also many others, they do live for God with all their hearts, but they are also normal, they don’t go about prophesying, acting weirdly, shouting in the streets “Hallelujah!” or healing anyone they meet. And I’m scared of something like this. They watch sports- at least some of them, they have fun sometimes, and even joke. However on the other hand I feel I should compare myself with Scripture, and in there I don’t see anyone living normal life, especially in the Acts of the Apostles... This book honestly terrifies me! It all leaves me very afraid to open up to God totally and let Him do with me anything He wants, in that sense that I might end up becoming like one of the Apostles or 1st century christians, or even saints such as Madame Guyon- I read her biography and it TERRIFIED ME too, or Rees Howells (I’m not sure if you’re familiar with him). To me they were very weird mystics, and I’m super afraid of it.
My days are spent in utter misery, I don’t enjoy anything anymore, don’t meet with people AT ALL, I’ve alienated myself from mostly everything and everyone. I spend my days crying and contemplating what may happen if I will say to God that I want to spend EVERY SINGLE SECOND of my life EXACTLY as He would have me do, and do ABSOLUTELY ALL for His glory alone. As I said, part of me longs for this passionate live for and with God, but I want to be normal like other people, I’m not talking about the world, but like other committed Christians I know.
I’m so confused about this all.. Sometimes I feel peace and joy and love, and then I feel so happy and I have such a desire to pray and read the Bible and live for God.
Honestly, my greatest desire for the past few years has been to become a missionary, to leave all, even my family and home (I’m 22 years old single girl and live with my gran, mum and disabled brother) and go to Africa or India or somewhere and just pour myself out there. I’d love to do somehting like this! But still, it’s normal, and what if God wants to control my life to such an extent that I walk around acting like a mystic, not saying or doing anything on my own etc.
As I said, I have these days that I feel so close to God and my only desire is to know Him and make Him known (I really don’t have any, or little desire for the things of this world, even good things..) but then this fear comes that maybe that is a false peace and joy that I’m experiencing, I’m only deceiving myself, and that is too good to be true, and that God requires much much more- you know, all the things I wrote you in the email, and that makes me feel super afraid, and so utterly miserable, because I’m afraid of God and living EXACTLY the way that He would like me to live, but on the other hand I can’t go back to the world.
My conclusion is then that I regret being born at all, because I want nothing to do with the wordly stuff or mediocre christian life that some people live..
I’m so so tired of living in this fear and misery but I can’t break out of all this, and all the while I’m afraid of going to hell to, because I know that God is not pleased.. So I feel like I have a choice between hell and between something almost equally fearful in my mind.
Even though I’ve been a christian for the past 7 years, I feel I didn’t make much progress at all because of this struggles and also being afraid to open myself totally to God. I FEAR so much what will happen to me.. I try to reason with myself that God is good, loving and He knows the best, but what if he requires me to do something weird, or very hard..I mean when I look at the Apostles’ lives, I don’t think I could ever live like that and I’m not even sure if I’d want to.
I’m sorry for this being a very chaotic and long message but I really need to know what is your view on this.
God bless and thanks for taking time to read all this. And please, please answer me if you can.. I wrote you one message yesterday, but I felt it didn’t explain fully my situation. This message doesn’t either, but at least it gives you a glimpse of my struggles.
Ana”
The Narrow Path: Navigating the Challenges of a Committed Christian Life
Many of us, not just Anastazja, struggle with fear regarding the call to surrender to God, and no doubt Satan sends his flaming arrows to fuel that fear. What does it truly mean to offer ourselves as a "living sacrifice" (Romans 12:1)? Does it mean giving up our hobbies, our laughter, our very thoughts and words? Does it mean becoming a homeless mystic who only ever roams the streets shouting “Repent. The Kingdom of God is near”? These are actual anxieties that some of us may experience. After all, what is holiness and how much holiness is enough to please God?
Ana’s fear was palpable. She longed to follow Jesus wholeheartedly but worried about the practical implications of complete obedience. She questioned whether simple pleasures like rollerblading or buying ice cream require divine permission. She grapples with the idea of surrendering her thoughts and speech, fearing she'll become a "spiritual robot."
As I teach from experience, a surrendered life to Christ is indeed very difficult, hence why so few choose it, but oh how worth it, it is! The paralyzing fear, while understandable, often stems from a misunderstanding of God's full character. He is a Father, not a tyrannical taskmaster, waiting to pounce on our every misstep. He is a loving God, who desires our good and delights in our obedience. Psalm 37:4 reminds us, "Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart". This verse doesn't suggest a life devoid of all joy or personal preference, but a life transformed by a love for God that shapes our desires.
Surrender is not about becoming someone we're not, but about becoming more like Christ. It's a journey, not a destination. God works in us progressively, guiding us through the Holy Spirit and His Word. He provides the grace and strength we need to make necessary changes in our lives. As we grow in our relationship with Him, we begin to lose interest in things that displease Him, not out of fear of punishment, but out of a growing love for our Father.
While a life of holiness requires intentionality and discipline, it doesn't necessitate a joyless existence. Ecclesiastes 3:4 tells us there is "a time to laugh, and a time to weep". Laughter and joy are gifts from God, to be enjoyed in their proper context. The key is to ensure these pleasures don't replace our pursuit of holiness or hinder our walk with God.
If you're wrestling with the idea of surrender, ignore Satan’s lies and remember God's grace. He is not looking to control your every breath, but to transform your heart. He desires a relationship with you, not robotic obedience. Trust in His guidance, seek His wisdom, and find freedom in surrendering your life to the One who loves you most, and the One who is your Father.
