April 3, 2011

My “Jonah” Season of Running Away

Father in Heaven,

Lord you are EVERYTHING and I am but a weak and feeble sinful human.  Father, I need your help.  I need your direction on a matter.

I’m in a very difficult spot Lord and my Dear sister Carol Ann confirmed that she could see that this was a big deal.  I know it’s not a big deal to you, but you are God and I am nothing.

Lord…I need your help reconciling between my burden to tell people about you, to encourage people towards you and your truth and between my new desire to be NOTHING and make no name for myself, to hide from the public eye, to flee all forms of self-exalt.

Father…it is confirmed that you have obviously given me this communication gift.  Carol Ann seemed to think that people are always going to be enamored with me because of my charisma, my passion and communication style.  She said something insightful last night…when she said she wondered if she asked the people in the audience a week from now what they remember about my presentation…suggesting that she wouldn’t be surprised if people don’t remember as much about what I said vs how much they remember about me.

Lord…how is that a good thing?  I’m so convicted and drawn to Humility after reading the book about it, and after getting to this place in my journey.  How can I possibly reconcile being Humble with having to be in the public eye and allowing people to exalt me...

Lord…you know my heart.  I want you to be exalted…not ME.  I don’t have any desire to do my Blog anymore (Impression I just got - I AM A REPRESENTATIVE OF GOD ON EARTH)

I write a blog post and then say, “Who am I…to do this?”  It feels so arrogant to think that people should follow me or learn from me or listen to me.  Lord…I didn’t learn what I’ve learned from another person, but rather from your Word and from experience.  I just realized that’s not entirely true.  You have used several teachers…Larry Smith, Eddy Moratin, Charles Stanley, Andrew Murray and several others to teach me some of these truths…Ok, so I guess I’m wrong about that.

Having said that…Lord…I don’t want followers of me…I want followers of Christ.  Why is it that people are attracted to the gift you have given me, for all the wrong reasons?

So, the real problem is that I have this HUGE burden to be used of you and tell people about you and encourage them to you and yet I want to be NOTHING now and don’t want to promote myself, don’t want to have a blog that seems so arrogant and even noisy. (Make it your aim to lead a quiet life)

God…I told Carol Ann last night, that I keep getting the impression that “My time has not yet come”…even that seems arrogant…”My time…as if I count for anything”

I also posed the question… “Is it possible that you’ve brought me to a place where I don’t want ANY of this public eye stuff, so that you can put me in the public eye and that you’ve been waiting for me to stop wanting it, so that you could give it to me?”

Carol Ann said it was quite sobering to hear me say that after who I was in the past….meaning from wanting bad to be something in the public eye to now almost despising it.

Lord…when people come up and give me all those compliments after I spoke last night and then those guys wanted their pic taken with me…Lord I almost feel sorry for them, like they just don’t get it or something.  They lift me up, just because I can communicate, and I’m well versed in sales.

And yet you know Lord…the burden of my heart is… “Do they know the truth…do they know you….do they know that this is not what life is all about…there is so much more that they cannot see with their eyes…like yesterday when I saw that lady on her bike Lord…look at what my thoughts are.  You must have made me that way Lord…I’m completely burdened for you.

I’m am so sick of PRIDE…I despise it Lord…I DESPISE it…I can’t stand the public adulation anymore…Lord I’m getting emotional just writing those words…To you be the Glory Lord…thank you for doing this in me…thank you for the AMAZING transformation…thank you for taking away my desire to exalt myself and giving me a desire to exalt you.

Now teach me how to walk that out, in a way pleasing to you Lord, in the face of my calling, if any and with the “public” gifts you have given me.

God…I just want to tell you again how thankful I am that you are doing this in my heart…I admit…it’s amazing even to me.  I can see the change…I can see how completely different I am.  I’m actually over joyed that I no longer want those things….thank you for giving me awareness and victory in this Lord.  Father…increase it…allow me to continue to walk in NOTHINGNESS before you and man, where I am nothing and you are EVERYTHING.  I find joy in that…how ironic…how unthinkable.

And yet…I have this looming question…. “What does NOTHINGNESS look like when the world screams to make me something and almost NEEDS me to be something.”  They are looking for answers Lord.

How do we walk this out Lord?  Should I just pull down the blog and only connect with people locally?  What should I do?  I do NOT want to run from what you have called me to do…I don’t want to “Bury my talents” Lord but I do not want Pride to destroy me or ever again have a hold on me.  Help me walk this out please Lord, that I might be pleasing to you, Oh God.

IDEA: Make my Blog about a subject, not about Me…take my name off of it…I could even do it “Anonymously” so people don’t get caught up in the person behind the blog, but rather focus on the truth and the message.