October 27 & 29, 2009
Spouse’s Antagonism Increases Against Me Following God
NOTES: These two journal entries were written, starting three days before I collapsed into total abandonment of my life and freely surrendered everything to the Lord Jesus Christ, on October 30, 2009.
During the seven months between the rainforest trip and my full surrender, there had been such a mess of confusion and tension in my soul, and terrible conflict in our marriage. I was feeling pulled in two directions, with God pulling me towards His kingdom purposes and plan for my life, while Keri, who loved money, was doing everything she could to keep me in bondage to our lifestyle and income. When I read my emails and other journal entries during these seven months, it is nauseating to see all my different efforts to get our life right and trying to figure out how to support my family and keep her happy, while trying to obey the growing call of God in my heart. Underneath of all of the surface level chaos, there was this indominable stream of desire to do something meaningful for God’s kingdom, to start working for food that DOES NOT SPOIL. God was calling me to make the sacrifice, laying down my whole life to serve Him, but the “birds of prey” in Keri kept descending on me through her anger and manipulation, to try to devour the sacrifice. Gen 15:11 This was an ugly and painful time of my life. “No one can serve both God and Money.”
October 27, 2009
“Please help me Lord!”
Father,
Please help me Lord. I am so exhausted from fighting this spiritual battle. I feel like I have met my match this time. I can’t believe that I actually had the thoughts this morning about telling the Devil, to give me his best shot. I considered those words in my head and then considered with the idea that the Devil’s best can’t hurt, because as Christian’s we should be smart enough and strong enough to see it for what it is. How ignorant and prideful that was for me to even flirt with those thoughts. What happened this morning, afterwards, proves it.
Father, the pattern is so predictable, yet the attacks grow stronger each time. Here I am trying to write a book that I believe you want me to write about YOU and the truth about pursuing success and here I am working on a testimonial video about bringing people to salvation and then BAM! ATTACK!
This seems to happen EVERY SINGLE TIME I TRY TO DO SOMETHING GOOD FOR THE KINGDOM. Father, I sense that you are telling me that I have not yet learned my lesson about dealing with spiritual attack.
Father, I’m tired of this particular battle with my wife, especially when I can so clearly see what the issue is…it’s frustrating like crazy that she can’t see it. For years, we have simply kissed and made up and put band-aids on a problem she must be experiencing in her heart, deep down. There is a root of bitterness from something, God.
Yesterday, when I confronted her on it, I felt a small sense of relief when she was able to take responsibility for “not taking time for herself”. However, it was a total shocker when she said she wouldn’t wish her life on her worst enemy. That shows that she is not being truthful about her feelings, the rest of the time. She has denied herself for so long and then she takes it out on me and the kids…mostly me. She silently denies herself and then lashes out when the anger builds to a point where it must be released.
The anger comes out of her like poison and of course the enemy uses it to push every single one of my hot buttons…accusing me of being manic-depressive, not being a good enough helper or provider, or just saying that she’s been miserable for the last 14 years…after things have been so wonderful in recent times. It’s as if she sears her conscious and says those things…purely to hurt me. Just 4 weeks ago, she stopped me hugged me and held me and told me how proud she was to be my partner in life and how honored she was to be on this journey with me. Then on Saturday, when I go for a motorcycle ride to Merritt Island for 4 hours to work on my book, she bursts out in anger and says “Well, don’t expect me to babysit while you are gone”. This is after she had a road running race on Saturday and Sunday and I managed to squeeze some time in between. Then that turns into 3 days of not talking to me and when we do talk…she re-beats me up with the last 14 years of her being miserable…telling me our friends husbands treat them like princesses and send them to the spa and just one dart after another…. I STAND THERE IN SHOCK AND CAN’T BELIEVE SHE CAN’T SEE THE INSANITY BEHIND THIS.
Things were great last week…couldn’t be happier, but now she drags me back through 14 years worth of things I apparently did to make her this angry!
When I suggest that I don’t know much longer I will be able to live with this anger in the house, she immediately jumps with great bitterness to the topic of Divorce and with such contempt for our marriage. I am losing TRUST in her each time she does this. If she were just my business partner, this would have been a huge red flag and I would exit the partnership.
This has happened no less than 10 to 15 times in the last 16 years. Her first solution to the pain and frustration is … fine…let’s just get a divorce.
Then after she says such a hurtful and disconnecting comment, she gets mad again the next day, if I’m not all cheerful and ready to be fun and normal again. I was able to get over those comments faster in the past, but with each passing blow of anger or poisonous outburst, I notice it is taking me longer to re-cover and re-connect with healthy and loving feelings for her.
Each episode, now leaves a scar…even when the outbursts aren’t directed to me, but rather to a client or relative…I feel separation from that as well.
For days on end…this will completely zap me and drain me of my energy to be around her.
The most amazing thing, is her ability to flip things around and say “I never know who I’m living with from day to day.” When in fact, she is simply experiencing the fruit in my life, from her outbursts or crazy mood swings.
I had a 3-week period, of terrible sinus issues that drain me of my energy, make me quiet and make me irritable. She has used that period to now completely attempt to justify her behavior and swear that she “knows deep down inside” that something is wrong with me. I can only stand there with my jaw on the floor, when I hear this.
Father…how in the world can someone be in such complete denial? She is always stuck at the surface level…she is unable to deal in the root of the problems. No matter how hard I try to go there in the conversation, she always manages to stay twisted up and focused on the external details or the supposed events or circumstances that somehow justify her behavior.
I can tell from this morning that she is now trying to get the kids on her side and dropping hints about…have you noticed how Daddy has been feeling? Bringing up John and Shelva divorcing because he was manic…saying I can call 15 people right now, even your mom, who will tell you that you have a problem. If she wasn’t so “red eyed” angry when she says these things, it would qualify as delusional behavior.
She is unable to see the truth about the fact that she has no desire to read your word, God, she has very little desire for relationships, she has NO real relationships that aren’t a by-product of my friendships, to begin with. She can’t stand her Mom, can’t stand My Mom, and only has nice things to say about one of our clients. She is overly critical about everyone God and to be completely honest I am SICK AND TIRED of trying to manage this and deal with this. She immediately feels threatened by anybody that I suggest is a “nice or high quality “ person….friend, vendor, customer…it’s doesn’t matter. I am sick and tired of living with this and sick and tired of having the same big fights occur every quarter or so. Whatever triggers her anger at the time, I then get to feel the full wrath of wherever it comes from.
God, I know that you had me see that Charles Stanley program on anger for a reason and I was so encouraged about the part about how to live with a person who is angry. However, Lord, I used to judge Charles Stanley for getting a divorce, until I heard what I believe was a delicate way of him explaining that he too has lived with someone he loved who had a terrible issue with anger. I believe that must have been his wife he was talking about and I could tell how helpless he felt about it.
Father, is there not hope for these people? Why are some people in such strongholds like this, that they can’t see it? I do not understand this at all and I’m almost in denial that this could be possible for a person that loves God.
However God, I do question the depth of her love for you, since she never even has a desire to read your word. She seems to worship the subject of “Leadership” and people that talk about it, but not You so much. What is going on there?
Lord…I’m tired of feeling guilty about staying in our marriage, just because of the kids. I look at the marriage that her parents have and I say…give me death over a marriage like that…what is the point of being married? There is obviously a huge disconnect there and in 14 years, I’ve not seen a single instance that I can remember that would demonstrate love and affection between those two. How can that be happiness? How can you be pleased with them, just because they are following the “LAW”? Did they stay married, just for the sake of their Christianity? Father, isn’t that honoring you with their lips and not their heart?
Living with an angry person makes me also angry and I’m not a mean or angry person ever, unless my hottest of hot buttons are pushed and my wife knows exactly how to push them.
God…I’m so disappointed with the carnal nature of man…it’s makes me sick that we all have to go through such brokenness. Father…why was I able to get set free from the dysfunction of my childhood? Why did you preserve me?
You are asking to me to help others and yet I can’t even help my own wife!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
She is beyond my help…Father, I’m losing trust that things will ever be different. I’ve hoped for years and I’ve had so many times of hope that things had changed, but then BAM, out of nowhere, there it comes again.
Father, do you expect for me to just live with someone who is continually miserable and angry and runs as hot and cold as a shower knob? Am I supposed to endure or am I supposed to move on with my life and do the best I can with my children and hope for a healthy relationship with my ex-wife.
God….PLEASE COME INTO THIS…PLEASE COME INTO THIS LORD. I’m at the end of me…I’m disappointed, I’m frustrated and I’m losing my hope.
Stuff like this makes me instantly want to give up the whole passion inside of me to help people succeed and just return to sales. I know that I am only responsible for my own actions, but Lord I’m so hurt by this!
I know that she will not want to get counseling and even if she does, she will fight going to the depth’s of her heart to see what is there. There are rooms in her heart, she has not invited you into. Lord, I feel like you just told me, that that is the reason I have been able to be healed in so many of those areas of my life…because I invited you into the dark places to shed light.
Father…this past year, we have made such progress…I thought. I have told countless people, that this has been the best year of my life…not stress free, but the best year of my life. Our Marriage felt like it was a ten until the trip to the rainforest came. Then things went straight down hill…Father I have not been prideful about it, yet I have been humbly thankful…I believe…why is this happening?
It is because there are places in her heart that she is not only willing to take a look at herself, but she is also not willing to invite you into them….WHY LORD? WHY LORD? It is so easy to do and it is so FREEING. I love you God, thank you so much for giving me whatever it is you did, that made me so open to receiving feedback, correction or counsel from others…that is the best quality you gave me…Thank You Thank You.
Why didn’t she get that? Is there something I’m not seeing? Is there a generational curse? Her Mother is certainly a dishonest, jealous and passive aggressive woman? Her Mom is likely just as angry as Keri is, but she has learned to show it through “Passive” aggression, rather than direct outward anger.
Oh, God, I’m getting overwhelmed, just writing all of this down, but I feel like I have to get it out of my head. FATHER, above all things I have ever asked you, please give me clarity in this one area.
What do you wish my response to be? I surrender my response and my family to you Lord. It is incredibly difficult to Love someone and to be loved by someone who doesn’t love them self.
What a disaster this could be…an entire family torn apart because of one person’s denial and inability to consider the depths of their heart.
Oh, God, rescue her heart Father…Let whatever you need to happen, happen in order to get her attention in this matter and shine the light on the dark spots of her heart. God, in the name of Jesus Christ and by the power and authority of the real blood of Jesus Christ, please rescue her heart Lord.
I don’t love her anger, but I love her Lord, and I deeply love my family….please save them God…please save them. Don’t let the enemy steal your kids and your work that has yet to be completed in us.
Father, I pray in the name of Jesus, that Keri is released from her strongholds, that the enemy, who is currently claiming victory, would be put in last place Father….not just when Jesus comes back, but NOW!
Lord, I turn her over to you and pray that you have your way with her. Father I ask that she would be made even more miserable, that she would be broken before you. Break her heart with what breaks yours Lord. Please don’t let anything happen to my family, but God, maybe something could touch her heart this weekend, as she goes on vacation, alone with the 3 older kids. If you can do this without pain, God, I would please ask that you do that, nevertheless, I ask for YOUR HOLY and PERFECT WILL.
God…please rescue her heart! Please rescue her heart…I beg you for this more than anything I have ever asked for. Father, the rest of my prayers can go unanswered, if you would but answer this one prayer. Forsake everything I have asked for and instead answer this pray…please bring your living waters and your restoration to Keri’s heart…in the name of Jesus Christ, I pray…Amen.
I love you Lord…I’m am so broken over this…my heart is before you in tears. I’m fearful Lord that this won’t change. The battle seems too long and the stronghold too deep, yet I will still believe that YOU CAN DO THIS, IF YOU DESIRE.
As my dear friend Eddy said, there is a treasure in the dark places of Keri’s heart that is waiting to be released. RELEASE IT LORD….RELEASE IT LORD.
October 29, 2009 (Day Keri left with children for 3 day vacation)
Father in Heaven,
Good Morning Wonderful Lord. I am so thankful to be able to get up this morning and start my day with you, the creator of the universe, the giver of life, the sustainer of your people.
I love you Lord and I’m so very thankful that you have allowed me to know you. Thank you for your amazing grace. As I meet or see other people that don’t know you and that are blind to your existence or truth, I am astonished that you chose to reveal yourself to me. Thank you Lord, Thank you Lord.
Thank you Lord Jesus, for taking my sin upon you. Thank you for being willing to endure that cross for me. Thank you, Thank You, Thank You.
Lord, I am so very excited about the progress you have made in my heart. I’m thrilled to consider how much progress you have helped me to make towards becoming more like Christ and less like my old self.
It is amazing Father. Lord…I will admit that I feel like I was making much progress and then recently, with the fast that you encouraged me to do, I feel like I became so sensitive to your spirit and learned so much that I’m again having to question some of the things I believed Lord.
If I’m being completely honest, it makes me feel a little weary and almost a little embarrassed to have to tell people that “Even though I believed this for so long…now I believe this.” I almost feel a little flip floppy.
Nevertheless…all I care about in the end Father, is knowing your truth. Father, I need for you to speak clearly to me and help me to distinguish your voice from mine and the voice of the enemy. I’m not interested in things that come from my heart. My heart, as you say in your word is wicked and easily deceived.
Father, please give me clarity and wisdom on matters of success, work, calling, purpose, happiness and fulfillment. I feel I’m starting to overcomplicate these matters. The world screams its opinions about these matters and I have listened for so long that it’s difficult to hear you on them.
Father, I pray as I read your word, you will give me clarity and freedom on these matters. Teach me your ways Lord. Help me to walk in your wisdom. Give me the qualities you need for me to have, in order to do the work you have called me to do.
Why is it Lord, I would love to do videos that bring you Glory and change the way people think about you, and yet I don’t know how to pursue that because of the financial requirements to do so?
Father…I’m still confused on the work issue. I’m grateful for any work, right now, like the potential business from Manheim, but I still question if doing “sales training” and working on Revelations stuff, would take so much time away from my calling which is to encourage, inspire and train or teach your chosen people to have genuine faith in you.
Honestly Lord, I’m so tired of considering these matters, back and forth in my head, that I’m feeling too tired to even write them down now. Lord, in the name of Jesus, I pray you help me settle these matters quickly that I might not fret and squander the time and resources I have been given to use for Kingdom purposes.
I need to repent of my motivations for the CJ video. I knew this was a God encounter and it was for his reasons, but my pride slowly crept in and I silently began to desire honor for myself by being involved with that video. I allowed the enemy to get his foot in the door and to steal God’s glory. I now see the truth in this and have repented of my sin in this.
I must DECREASE…he must INCREASE. I am Second!!!!!!