June 17, 2012

“I am Mad at You God!”

 00;00;00;00 - 00;00;19;04

Okay, one more introduction note on the next recording that you'll hear, which was recorded on Father's Day of 2012, somehow or another, in all the years of moving audio and video files around, I have lost the original, unedited version of this recording.

00;00;19;08 - 00;00;40;17

Many of you have heard these words. This is another time where I reach just a climax of all my pain and suffering, and I began to cry out to God. And this is a time when I actually get mad at God and I'm explaining to him why I am. And so the backstory on this is, I had come down to Florida to spend time with the children.

00;00;40;19 - 00;01;00;26

I have just gone through this breakup up with my girlfriend on the way down to Florida. It looks like it's just over and nevertheless, I'm there to see my children. I'm so excited and I'm supposed to get them on father's Day. And at the last minute, my ex-wife pulls another one of her evil tricks to create as much pain for me as possible.

00;01;01;03 - 00;01;24;04

And so I end up having set the whole day aside to spend with my kids. Now I am without them and I cannot even see them. So I've driven over to the beach to go for a walk, and on the way there, I'm making a recording about what's happening and I pull into Cape Canaveral, which is where I grew up in Cape Canaveral, Florida, a little tiny, small Surfside town there on the east coast of Florida.

00;01;24;07 - 00;01;46;16

And as I'm pulling into town, I start getting really, really frustrated. And I know that I need to get off the road and just finish out my thoughts on this recording, because I feel tears coming and frustration coming. So I pull off on the side of the road next to a McDonald's in North Cape Canaveral, and you'll hear me now in the recording, I say, God, I'm mad at you.

00;01;46;16 - 00;02;15;01

And it's just been frustration after frustration after frustration since the divorce had started in 2010. So that will give you a little bit of background on what you're about to hear. Why I was so hurt. And again, I want to share this with you so that you can know you're not alone in your suffering. This was real. Okay, keep in mind, this recording that you're about to hear is long before there's ever going to be the kind of public ministry that you see today for relentless heart.

00;02;15;01 - 00;02;33;00

This is long before I could have ever imagined making this recording I'm making for you right now. But God had a plan for all of this. And this is real. This is authentic. This is exactly how I felt in the moment. One other thing I want to explain is, is that you'll hear a part where I'm saying, God, I'm mad at you.

00;02;33;00 - 00;02;48;24

You're making me angry. You're making me want to quit. And then you'll hear a pause and then you hear me say, God, I'm mad at you. But there is actually a little bit more time. And obviously I've just cut it out and edited the recording. So you're not listening to a bunch of Dead Space. But there was more time as I was getting a grip of myself.

00;02;48;24 - 00;03;08;11

And I want you to see how in this recording why God has continued to bless me. Why God is not charging me with sin in this is because I'm going to him. I'm not grumbling. If you notice, I'm not grumbling about God to other people. I'm not going in saying, I don't have this. I don't have that. God's not doing this.

00;03;08;11 - 00;03;34;14

I don't believe I've ever gone in anger about God to somebody else. And I'm not saying that if you have that, that makes me better than you. I'm just trying to help you understand that there is a balance to my anger, to God in this, in that I gave full vent to it. And then I repent. And within 15 minutes of this recording being made, I was right back to putting my faith and my hope and trust in God.

00;03;34;14 - 00;03;54;25

That is so important for me to have. You understand that when I got mad at God, I did not stay mad at God, okay? I did not stay mad at God. If I said I did, I have to lie to you. So I did not stay mad at God and I repented and I put my hope back on him and my eyes on him.

00;03;54;25 - 00;04;22;11

Now you can look back and see God had a very good reason for doing all of this. I mean, so far there's been seven years worth of amazing good reasons for God to have done this by putting the blowtorch to me. He was going to shape me more into the image of Christ as he continues to do so, and bless thousands of other people around the world to feed off of the broken bread that he was making in my life.

00;04;22;13 - 00;04;49;18

May God bless you as you continue to listen. God, I am angry and I am sorry that I'm mad at you. God I'm sorry Lord, I am desperate for you to tell me what's going on. I'm desperate for you to teach me. God, what does this mean? Why is this happening? And there I see a seven, seven, seven.

00;04;49;20 - 00;05;05;06

God, you've been showing me seven, seven, seven for months, and I don't feel like I've. I don't feel like I'm at the end of this. You told me that. Because for me to hang in there, that we were almost at the end of the season. God. And it feels like it's lasted so long, I don't know how much longer I can make it.

00;05;05;08 - 00;05;13;06

I don't know how much longer I can make it. God.

00;05;13;08 - 00;05;30;11

Is depriving me of everything, Lord. Why? Why?

00;05;30;13 - 00;05;36;08

Is this how I'm supposed to spend my Father's Day?

00;05;36;11 - 00;05;51;10

So angry, Lord, so frustrated. God, I'm so frustrated, Lord, I'm so frustrated. I'm so exhausted from this Lord. I'm so exhausted. I feel like a baby.

00;05;51;12 - 00;06;03;17

Over what? Why does this have so much power over me? God, why?

00;06;03;19 - 00;06;16;25

Lord, I'm starting to lose trust in the numbers. I'm starting to be so confused. I don't even know what the heck's going on anymore.

00;06;16;27 - 00;06;23;09

Stomach's all upset. God's.