Tue, Feb 12, 2019, 12:55 PM

Name: Taylor Calkins

Email Address: Broadcastinghislove@!!!!!!!!.com

Subject: I think I was sucked into a cult

Message: Michael, this is beyond humiliating to write, but I need to reach out because I think I’m in danger. You are pretty much the only one I trust. My name is Taylor, I’m a junior in high school, I comment on your YouTube a lot, I’ve been following more than 2 years. This is the story about a person who I met through YouTube, Lacey, started out disciplining me in the Lord and slowly getting more extreme, to the point where she told me the only way to please God was to drop out of high school and to run away and live with her in Chicago.

When first following her channel, there were only 12 subscribers. All her teachings seemed Biblical and even anointed. She is in her mid 30s. She taught about striving for holiness, loving God with all our heart, surrendering to His will, obeying His commands, etc. I reached out to her with some questions, mainly about Ethan and I’s relationship, and she made me a recording just like you do and prayed for me. I wrote a comment on chapter 18 of your autobiography about how God brought Ethan and I together. Later on, she put me in this chain email of other believers, who all were very mature and godly. We all sent each other recordings, encouraging one another in the Lord. The Lord’s blessing seemed to be on the group. She asked for our addresses and all of our locations even formed a heart on the globe. Ethan and I were honored to be in fellowship with older people who all were mature in the faith. Lacey told us God uses the internet to oftentimes connect His exiles.

Things started slipping though, she started to do things that Ethan and I thought were strange. But I felt bad for questioning her to God, since God had used her before for confirmation on Ethan and using her to disciple me. I asked God to show me if anything was wrong. Lacey proclaimed herself the leader of everyone in the email chain, and that God was going to use all of us together in big ways. She first started telling Ethan and I that God would not want us in college, I rejoiced at the thought of sacrificing something for the Lord. But things within her recordings got even stranger and stranger. She then made recordings about her at the store and God would tell her to buy certain shampoos, then she even said that God told her to buy an immodest see-through shirt that shows her bra. Then she went around on the streets while recording and yelling “godlessness everywhere”!

Leo, a brother in Christ, told us that God told him to leave the email group. Lacey was angry at him for it. She was also mad at Ethan and I for gathering together Bible verses. So it then was just Ethan, Irina, Lacey, and me. Then, later on, in another recording, she quoted to Ethan and I how Jesus says to forsake everything for Him. She told me since I had unbelieving parents I had to drop out of highschool and run away to Chicago to live with her. I started crying during school when I heard her say this cause I didn’t want to but I more didn’t want to disobey God.

Leo later came back to Ethan and I, telling us that God told him to make sure “the little ones were out of the group”. Lacey told us not to listen to Leo, that he is deceived and disobedient. I no longer communicated with Lacey out of fear. She deleted her old YouTube channel, but her website is youarehistheory.org . Her and Irina still make videos together and tell about all God is doing for them, and it seems real. But my mind is now torn apart, feeling lost about what to believe anymore.

My mom every Sunday takes me to a lukewarm church, so lukewarm that they even had a money machine up on stage and people could win up to 1000 dollars in it. Yet the pastor talks all the time about his experiences with God, and how God guides him and leads him and it all seems real.

My mom for the last 3 years, even since I became a born again Christian, constantly has tried to convince me that I take God so seriously that it is a mental illness. She has even slandered me about it to people who I have made a difference for in their faith. Lately, after all this, I’m starting to believe that I’m actually mentally ill. Every person of faith I’ve tried to share with my mom, including you, David Wilkison, Paul washer, Tim Conway, Madame Guyon, George Muller, AW Tozer, etc, she has done research on and tries to convince me that they are wrong. Like showing me an article on how AW Tozer was abusive to his wife and an article on how Guyon was a mystic.

I’ve dealt with Christian hypocrisy all of my life in the Christian church. I thought that through you I found the true heart of Christianity and it made my dealings with hypocrisy make sense. God is all that matters to me, but I feel utterly forsaken by Him. He has been silent through this whole thing when I needed Him most. When this all first started happening, I waited outside for several hours waiting for God to speak to me on this and give me guidance. I cried so hard about all this that my nose started bleeding, I got rashes on my face, and I threw up. I still know that He is the best Father ever, and that I do not deserve Him. Actually last summer of 2017 I was so on fire for the Lord I’d cry everyday praising Him every day and there was absolutely nothing that could keep me from thinking about Him 24/7 and of wake up the earliest I could to spend time with Him out of excitement. I don’t feel His presence anymore and He has been silent with me for over a year. Ethan has had a few very high moments in faith, but He is mainly down. I really don’t want to grumble in anyway against God, He only deserves praise, but we are both at a loss for what to.

All the belief I had has been sucked out of me. Everytime I see a verse on the lines of surrender or forsaking all, I feel condemned. Seems like every time I open my Bible it is a verse along those lines. As if I ran away from God’s calling to me to go join Lacey. But then I think what if I’m being deceived. Have I not surrendered my heart to the Lord if I go to college? I don’t trust anybody anymore and the beauty of Christianity has drained my mind, all I see is darkness. This situation has birthed so must distrust in God and questioning who He is. Out of anyone, you are the only one I trust, but I cringe when you talk about numbers on your channel, cause Lacey used a whole lot of numbers. I’m so sorry Michael to criticize you on that, I know you get enough hate about that already :( I just feel that way sometimes because that was something that Lacey did. I still trust God that He is using that to guide you.

I don’t know what is from God and what is from Satan in this situation. I don’t want to be condemned for not surrendering my life and doing what Lacey said but I also don’t want to be deceived. Since this, I’ve done a lot of research on cults to try and figure things out and it makes Christianity seem so dark. Ethan got a dream that had “Satan is after you” written out in letters. My mind is torn apart in every direction possible, im struggling to believe in God and whether His guidance is real and what even is true Christianity. I don’t want to make this too lengthy. I hate writing this email because I want to be at the point of faith where I am helping others instead of being helped. I have a burning desire in my heart to help others in faith. I have a burning desire to experience intimacy with God and trust Him again, but am not sure where I went wrong and what to believe about Lacey. I feel like I’m and danger and that God is mad at me. Though I want to be helping others in faith, I can’t deny that I need help in this situation. Maybe God can give you discernment if I am deceived and help explain it to me.

(Sent via Relentless Heart)