December 31, 2009
“Someone please wake me
up from this nightmare!”
“In every painful spiritual darkness or conflict, it has already comforted me to think that God might be leading me through strange dark ways, so that I might afterward be His messenger to some of His children in distress,” – Frances Ridley Havergal
“The power to help others depends upon the acceptance of a trampled life.” – L. B. Cowman – July 12th Streams in the Desert Devotional
INSIGHT: Potiphar’s wife wanted something ungodly from Joseph to suit her own desires of the flesh, but Joseph refused to give into her manipulation, and finally ran away from her, because of his loyalty to God. When she saw that Joseph was not going to give in, and she wasn’t going to get what she desired, no matter how hard she tried, she turned on Joseph and became his enemy and accuser. She falsely accused him in order to hurt him back, for his rejecting her, and then she falsely accused him in a campaign to protect her own godless image, from anyone that may have seen or heard about Joseph finally saying “enough is enough” and then leaving her. Joseph left her and ran from her because she was trying to manipulate and force him into doing something evil and opposite of what God expected of him.
How remarkable to see the Living Word and ways of God and Satan, the same today as they were thousands of years ago! Keri also wanted me to do something evil and opposite of what God expected of me. She wanted me to remain in bondage to the world, money, and the lifestyle we accumulated, all in accord with the desires of her flesh. When I decided to remain loyal to God, unwilling to do what pleased her, no matter how hard she had tried, when I effectively “ran away” from her on this very night, saying “enough is enough”, she immediately began a campaign of lies and false accusations against me, to protect her own image with those who were soon to find out, I was “running from her”.
December 31st, 2009 11:35pm (New Year’s Eve)
On a night that is meant to for celebrating the arrival of a new year and fresh new start, a time when you’re supposed to rejoice with special friends and family, I was all alone and scared to death about our future. While all five of my small children were peacefully asleep in their rooms, I was about to taste hell on just the other side of the house. The memory of me sitting on the back porch, just weeks earlier, telling the devil “Go ahead...take your best shot.” flooded my mind.
Keri’s parents had agreed to watch the children on New Year’s Eve, so we could attempt to have some quiet time to work things out. We went to dinner at the Cape Canaveral Pier House Restaurant, and I was so hopeful that the evening alone at the ocean might help us to catch our breath and make one more attempt at moving forward. Dinner was rather uneventful, which after all that had been going on, was sort of pleasant to me, so I had a small glimmer of hope as we left the restaurant.
On the way home, we decided to stop by my Dad’s house to let him and my step-brother know that we couldn’t go with them to Disney on New Year’s Day. They came to the door and I began apologizing, saying that we had been having some serious problems in our marriage, but that we were going to be trying to get some help and work on it. Just then, Keri grabbed my arm, cut me off, looked at both of them and said, “No, weeeeee don’t have problems, Michael has problems, and Michael is going to go to a Psychiatrist to get some help!” I was stunned and completely humiliated all at the same time.
As soon as we got in the car and left, years of dealing with this type of attitude filled my heart with disgust and my blood started to boil in anger. Within just minutes of driving down the highway, I couldn’t hold it in any longer and I just blew up and just screamed at her, for several minutes, in total disgust that she continued to accept zero responsibility for anything in the marriage. Here again, the evil in her, was exposing the evil in me. I have no doubt that if a video camera had been pointed at me, I looked just as evil in that moment, as she did when I had the camera pointed at her. Even though I felt justified in the moment, I was filled with the unrighteous anger of man which the Bible says does not bring about the righteousness of God. My conscience was being violated and I knew I was doing wrong, so I caught my breath, shut my mouth, and drove the rest of the hour home in complete silence.
By the time we arrived at our neighborhood, my anger was calmed but I was still in so much pain that I decided I couldn’t even be in the house with her any longer. I told her that I was going to go stay with a friend for a few days. I had to get away from her because by now I couldn’t even stand to hear her voice. It was already 11:30 at night, but I started texting a few friends to see if I could come stay at their place for the night. I had sold my truck (to try to make her happy), so all I had at the time was my motorcycle. When she saw how serious I was about leaving, she began trying to appease me to stay. When she saw I was not budging, she began threatening to call the police if I left without telling her where I was going. She kept saying she was worried about me leaving on New Year’s Eve and driving somewhere on my motorcycle at night. I knew this was more of her lies and manipulation and I was done talking.
She kept following me around the house pestering me, and I just kept telling her to please leave me alone and to get out of the office, so I could be alone. She just kept asking, “Are you going to leave Michael…are you going to leave…just tell me, are you going to leave on your motorcycle?” I said, “I do not know, but if you’re truly worried about my safety, the safest thing for both of us, is for you to leave this office and leave me alone…please just leave me alone!” She finally left, and I locked myself in the office to try to recover from what was happening.
Out of desperation to defend and protect myself, I had started audio recording her rages against me like this, ever since I captured that first episode on video camera. This night was no exception, and right in front of her, while sitting at my desk, I hit record on my phone and recorded everything we were saying. If I could do it all over again, I obviously wouldn’t have recorded anything, but I was still such a carnal Christian and was so afraid of being falsely accused that I was determined to defend myself against her lies.
I didn’t yet know how to trust God in spiritual battles like this, and I certainly didn’t understand what Paul taught in Ephesians chapter six. I still thought I was fighting very much against flesh and blood rather than against spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. The spiritual forces of evil cannot be defeated by the schemes and tools of man, but at that time, I felt like if I didn’t defend myself, no one else would. I remember thinking, “no one will believe me if I don’t record this, because she makes it look on the outside like she is just the most perfect wife and mom.” I also didn’t realize that God is already recording everything we say and do in heaven, and that the judge of all the earth didn’t need my help to defend me. (See Mat 12:36-37, Revelation 20:12)
Within a few minutes, I was sitting on the hard-cold wood floor in our home office next to my desk, rocking back and forth, wrapped in my own arms, desperately trying to comfort myself from the gut-wrenching pain. I was physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausted and I was being spiritually tormented.
I had worship music from Michael W. Smith blasting through my computer speakers. I was trying so hard to find God’s help and to distract myself from the searing emotional pain. I couldn’t stop crying and I was scared to death because I knew we were finished. I might have been a 36-year-old man in my body, but spiritually and emotionally I felt like a lost little child in the woods who couldn’t find their mommy or daddy anywhere.
As I sat just rocking back and forth, singing with the songs, I could hear words of hope and words of rescue, but I couldn’t feel them as my current reality. The songs all declared God’s greatness, His protection, His love and His presence, but He was NO where to be found in that dark cold office and I was in total agony. This was going to be the devil’s night, and somehow, I just knew it. Looking back, I can see this as a type of Garden of Gethsemane experience, where Jesus is crying out to God to save Him, but instead of being rescued, He is about to be betrayed at the highest level by one of those He loved dearly.
My phone was still sitting on my desk recording audio and the music was still blaring from my computer speakers, when suddenly, I heard two loud bangs against the locked double doors into my office and then they busted open. I looked up from the floor behind my desk and saw a police officer looking at me. He yelled over the music, “Mr. Chriswell...are you ok?”, I honestly thought I was seeing things. It took him taking about 3 steps into the office when I realized this was for real and my mind began screaming, “She did it...she actually went this far...she knows I’m going to leave the marriage and it will be humiliating for her, so now she has found an excuse to call the cops so that it looks like I’m the bi-polar maniac that she has been accusing me of being to our friends and family.
I didn’t remember the warning God had given me in the dream in the rainforest, and I was caught so off guard by all of this that I couldn’t process the reality of what was happening fast enough. This evening which started with a glimmer of hope at dinner, had now turned into a scandalous night of evil and betrayal. Sure, our marriage had been in crisis, and I wanted out of it, but I never saw this kind of willful betrayal on her part coming. The wife of my youth, the woman I slept next to for nearly 15 years, and had coffee with in the mornings, my business partner, and the mother of my five children had just betrayed me by intentionally assassinating my character to the police. I could see she was now willing to do anything to protect her own image and it scared me to death!
Psalm 55:11 NLT – Everything is falling apart…it is not an enemy who taunts me—I could bear that. It is not my foes who so arrogantly insult me—I could have hidden from them. Instead, it is you—my equal, my companion and close friend. What good fellowship we once enjoyed as we walked together to the house of God.
As I got up off the floor and sat down in my office chair, the officer started asking me questions,
“How are you feeling tonight, Mr. Chriswell?” I said, “Sir, I’m in complete shock. I was sitting in my own house, in my own office, behind a locked door, and a police officer just busted in my door, how would you feel, right about now?”
He said, “Sir, I knocked and knocked.” I replied, “Yes, and you could tell I was listening to blasting loud music and I couldn’t hear anything.” He then said, “I’m sorry I startled you, but we did receive a call from your wife and we have to come and make sure everything is ok, so I just need to ask you some questions, Mr. Chriswell.”
By now, I was shaking and starting to breath heavy. It was late at night and I was completely exhausted, running off pure adrenaline.
I kept shaking my head and saying, “I have no idea why my wife called you or why you are here; I can’t believe this is happening.” He said, “Don’t worry, no one is going to jail as of yet, I just need to find out what’s going on.”
I thought to myself, “Boy that’s comforting to know, no one is going to jail as of yet?” That’s kind of like a doctor saying to a patient, who came in with a cold, “Don’t worry, you’re not going to die tonight.”
He started his questions, “Mr. Chriswell, have you been drinking tonight?” I said, “No, I’ve never been drunk in my whole life, and I don’t drink.”
“Have you taken any narcotics...on any medications?” I replied, “Never, and no.”
Then he asked, “Do you have any guns in the house...any knives or swords or other weapons?”
I said, “No, and I can’t believe you are asking me these questions...I’m not that kind of person...I’m a God-fearing Christian man...I was in here crying and praying and listening to Christian worship music for crying out loud, when you came in. My wife and I are just having marital problems and I think our marriage is over...that’s it...nothing crazy is going on, except the fact that she has now blown this way out of proportion and called you guys, to make me look like a freak. I was just locked in here to keep away from her, because she wouldn’t leave me alone.”
“I understand, Mr. Chriswell. This is just routine to make sure everyone is ok and that everyone will be safe here tonight. I said, “Why don’t you come over here to my computer and I’ll show you who I am, I’m a successful business owner, a respected speaker and Christian man. Some of the top business people in Orlando, are my friends...I can show you a video of people talking about who I am on my website.”
He said, “I understand, Mr. Chriswell, but bad things happen regardless of social status. I might remind you of the millionaire, who lives in Isleworth, and who just shot and killed his wife in their home not too long ago.”
That comment shut me right up, and I stopped desperately trying to show him I was not some nut. Just 90 days earlier, Bob Ward, a millionaire developer who lived in Isleworth had murdered his wife. Isleworth is the wealthiest neighborhood in Central FL and is where Tiger Woods lived before his divorce.
I eventually caught my breath and calmed down and he finished all his questions and the report. I felt like my soul had just been torn right in half. I had been doing ok against the accusations around the house and to our family, but this was a whole new level of betrayal. Evil had just stepped up the level of game play, and my only sense of hope at the time was that I had recorded every second of it. Nevertheless, I was still screaming in my mind, “Someone please wake me up from this nightmare...this cannot be happening to me...this cannot be happening to my family! God...where are you...why won’t you stop this...please help me Lord!”
After the officer left, with the recorder still going, I confronted her on her outright betrayal and she started pleading with me in the softest and calmest voice, telling me over and over that the only reason she called the police was because she was worried about me going out on my motorcycle that night. Oh, the pain and anger that comes when you see the person who is supposed to love you, completely cut off their conscience, lie right to your face with syrupy sweet words, and yet stabbing you in the back with a knife at the same time?
Proverbs 20:30 Blows and wounds cleanse away evil, and beatings purge the inmost being.
In my spiritual blindness, I felt like the innocent victim at the hands of Jennifer and the devil. However, God was looking at me like He looked at Jacob, as a self-sufficient rebel, who needed strong correction and disciplining. God was working to bring humility, poverty of spirit, and character into my life through all of this, but I remember feeling like this was all just senseless attacks of the devil that would end in destruction.
Job 5:17-19 "Blessed is the man whom God corrects; so do not despise the discipline of the Almighty. (18) For he wounds, but he also binds up; he injures, but his hands also heal. (19) From six calamities he will rescue you; in seven no harm will befall you.
Who could possibly believe that I would ever want peace with her again, or ever give our marriage another shot after that horrible night? The desire to stay married for my children and the fear of divorce was so strong, that I once again did.