December 26, 2009

“She is Draining Me of Life!”

NOTES: These are two written journal entries, starting five days before I collapse into total abandonment of my life and freely surrender everything to the Lord Jesus Christ, on October 30, 2009. 

During the seven months between the rainforest trip and my full surrender, there had been such a mess of confusion and tension in my soul, and terrible conflict in our marriage.  I was feeling pulled in two directions, with God pulling me towards His kingdom purposes and plan for my life, while Keri, who loved money, was doing everything she could to keep me in bondage to our lifestyle and income.  When I read my emails and other journal entries during these seven months, it is nauseating to see all my different efforts to get our life right and trying to figure out how to support my family and keep her happy, while trying to obey the growing call of God in my heart.  Underneath of all of the surface level chaos, there was this indominable stream of desire to do something meaningful for God’s kingdom, to start working for food that DOES NOT SPOIL.  God was calling me to make the sacrifice, laying down my whole life to serve Him, but the “birds of prey” in Keri kept descending on me through her anger and manipulation, to try to devour the sacrifice.  Gen 15:11 This was an ugly and painful time of my life.  “No one can serve both God and Money.”

I could not see it so clearly, at the time, that below all these rotten fruits I was suffering from and complaining about, their was a root of bitterness in Keri and she was despising me in her heart because I was not doing what she wanted, and continuing to love and serve money. You can see clearly in the timeline, that as the Lord draws me more and more away from the love of the world and money, her anger has been increasing. The love of money is a root of all kinds of evil.

Saturday December 26, 2009, 10:08pm.

I am so angry right now, even some 5 hours after the argument with Keri, I can tell I’m wearing a hateful face.  I want to cry, but I’m too angry.  I’m so angry that even crying out to God in the shower, I did it with anger.  The very thing I detest the most in my wife for the last few years is now growing in me as I react to her anger.  I can’t stand this anymore.  I’m done. 

I feel like I am being emotionally abused and because it occurs inside of beautiful home, and because it comes from a woman who appears to be the most self-sacrificing person on earth, to outsiders, it seems acceptable.  It is not.  I am finally sick and tired of being treated with such contempt and such disrespect in my own house.  My wife treats me worse than she does my 8-year-old son.  I am COMPLETELY convinced that something is incredibly messed up inside of Keri, from her past.  This is NOT normal and since she refuses to accept the possibility that something might be wrong and since she will not even look into it, I consider it to be the same “denial” behavior of someone who has a drinking problem or someone who physically abuses their spouse and is in complete denial.  I would not continue to live with my wife if she was physically abusing me, if she was an alcoholic, a druggie or abusive to the kids. 

Why then should I continue to live with a person who is emotionally abusive??????? Everything looks good on the outside….hard worker, intelligent, pretty, but the foundation has a gigantic crack in it and everything is ANYTHING but good. 

For the last several years, I have suffered, somewhat willingly and have accepted the behavior as something I must have “deserved” from the irresponsible and immature behavior I brought into the relationship.  I have never been good with finances, and this has caused Keri tremendous stress.   

As a result, I have sucked it up as “penance”.  I am no longer that delusional.  No one that actually loves someone treats their spouse with such regular disrespect, anger and bitterness. 

Over the last 3 months, Keri has run hot and cold like a bathtub faucet.  She has literally stood AGAINST almost EVERY SINGLE THING I HAVE DONE or said that was important to me.  She has been overly critical and down right viciously angry about almost everything! 

          1.          She freaked out and treated me like a criminal when I went on the trip to Panama….like I was going on vacation without her.  We have generated over $50,000 of much needed revenue from that trip I took, yet I have on video tape her outrageous treatment of me, as I came back home from the trip expecting to be happily greeted by the children, but she acted like I just announced I was having an affair or something, even after I returned home safe from an International trip. 

          2.          She completely freaked out when I mentioned to her that she was being judgmental and overly critical of Joe Johnson, because she found court records about his business failure.  Repeatedly called him “trash” and “scum”.  It was ridiculously overblown. 

          3.          Embarrassed the snot out of me, the way she treated Michael P and how accusatory she was about his “friend” and demanding an explanation about what his “friend” had done….as if that was ANY of our business.

           4.          She completely FREAKED out on me, on video tape, hollering and screaming at the top of her lungs all because I questioned her being so judgmental.  We didn’t talk for 4 days. 

          5.          She was downright hateful in her thoughts and talks about Andy T…highly critical, highly judgmental and just ugly about the entire thing…very condemning.  All the while just clinging to the justification for her outrageous behavior because she “can’t stand it when people don’t do the right thing”. 

          6.          She got outraged at me because I wanted to squeeze a 4 hour motorcycle ride in between her running races on Saturday and Sunday which I attended, or watched the kids for both.  We then didn’t talk for 3 or 4 days and she treated me like I was a child molester …downright hateful. 

          7.          She became completely angry for me questioning her judgmentalness on all these things. 

          8.          She screamed at me and with total disgust, called me a “Fu#$&@% Monster” because I ran out of clean clothes and decided to wash some of my own clothes.  Meanwhile, we decided a year earlier that I would try to do that, to save her from doing it.  She went berserk on me. 

          9.          She freaked out on me (Didn’t talk to me for 2 or 3 days) because I re-opened my Facebook account after I voluntarily got rid of it.  Was completely worried that I was going to get “involved” with an old girlfriend, but did it in such a controlling and angry manner. 

         10.         She flipped out in disgust and got up and stammered off when one morning I shared with her some scriptures I found to help me with my weak spots.  I gently suggested that maybe she could find some that could help her also, to which she replied, “I don’t have many weaknesses”.  I then said, “I can help you find some” and she jumped up and stammered off, the whole time questioning my Christianity and ridiculing me with “Walk the walk Michael, don’t talk the talk”. 

         11.         She showed complete disgust because I set up a free website with my name, because I didn’t ask her about it.  She began to again question my Christian walk, accusing me of being prideful and “everything is about you”…all because she wasn’t involved in the decision.  She lost it when I told her that I could no longer trust her opinion on some of these things, because one day she is fine and the next she is accusing me of being bipolar, and basically a loser. 

         12.         She came in on Christmas Day after I spent the whole day with the family, to gently brow beat me about “Why didn’t you say bye to my parents?”  When I didn’t even know they left. 

         13.         Later she changed her tune and began to attempt to make me feel guilty for not helping her father do the 5 plates and 5 glasses of dirty dishes, after the “Ladies” did the cooking. 

         14.         She never sees or acknowledges the work I DO do.  She seems to believe that if I’m not doing laundry or dishes, EVERYDAY, that I don’t do anything to contribute to the family.  I’m so ABSOLUTELY FREAKING SICK AND TIRED OF THIS STUPID ATTITUDE, IT MAKES ME SICK. 

         15.         Her “Passively” discounting mine and Brad’s attempts to drop that letter and video to Tiger Woods house…carefully suggesting “Do you think you missed God on that?”   This coming from a person who hasn’t picked up her Bible more than 10 times in 14 years! 

         16.         She made comments about my reading the book “You were born for this”, as if she was just looking for something to disagree with me on. 

         17.         Her anger and critical attitude towards me about doing the Brad Minns video, saying over and over that I spent too much time and I’m trying to make it too good, and God doesn’t need that.  She was so angry with me the evening I left the house to drop his video off to them and then when I came home she was so hateful that I smacked the check for $2000 down on the counter and got angry about her ingratitude. 

         18.         No matter what I do, it’s just not good enough for her.  She is going to be a very lonely person. 

On the outside, Keri appears to be one of the hardest working, most selfless people you have ever met.  However, she in fact serves with an ungrateful heart and easily becomes angry when others don’t meet her expectations.  That anger successfully grows into bitterness as her expectations are never able to be met.  I am the primary object of her wrath…me and the children, but mostly me.  It is only a matter of time, about every 3 days now, she finds something to criticize me about or something to “emotionally” knock me off my high horse.  I have never felt so discouraged in my entire life and it comes from my own wife.  I am living with a person that thinks she is in competition with her husband for something.  I’m not sure what, but one day she seems fully supportive and then the next day, all hell breaks loose.  Just like Saul was with David…one day he praises Him, gives him his own daughter as a wife, and the next day he is trying to pin David to the wall with a spear.

Just 2 months ago, she stopped me in mid-stride, grabbed me, hugged me, and told her how honored she was to be my wife and my partner.  “I’m so glad to be doing this with you.” 

Then, one day too many of not doing the dirty dishes and I’m treated like a dirty slave who is slacking off and needs to be beat.  Keri has become very “controlling” and she attempts to control me through passive aggression or manipulation.  If I don’t allow her to control me, she gets madder than a hornet. 

Bottomline…I’m giving up.  I no longer believe she will ever change.  She continues to attempt to justify her anger, by blaming me for the last 14 years.  It’s finances, sex, or now not having a job, or not treating her like a princess, like Jeff does Sally, or not telling her to take time for herself or not bringing her flowers, even though she has hated them for 14 years and taught me early on “never buy me flowers…they are a waste of money”.  She simply pulls complete nonsense out of the air, in an attempt to justify all of the anger she directs towards me.  I’M BECOMING ANGRY LIVING WITH HER.  I’m fine, when I’m AWAY from her.  SHE IS DRAINING ME OF LIFE!!!! I have journaled for years that something terrible was going to have to happen to her for God to get her attention.  I pray I’m wrong, but I no longer believe she will change.  She is in complete denial and is not even willing to consider the possibility that she is the one that needs healing, she is the one that needs help! 

I am no longer willing to suffer like this and it’s not fair or healthy for the kids.  It would be much healthier for us to separate and live as friends and not bitter “married” enemies. 

I’m just going to have to trust that God can still work around this mess.  I’m sick that this is happening, but I don’t feel that there is any other choice at this point.  I have LOST ALL HOPE.  You win this round Satan..another Christian marriage destroyed, but I know that you only win temporarily.  God’s purpose will still prevail…I believe that.  Just for the record…I hate you and I hate what you do to people’s lives.  My only relief comes from knowing what your punishment will be one of these days.  I can ask for Christ’s forgiveness for my sins and I love him.  You on the other hand are headed for the Lake of Fire. 

Father, in the name of Jesus Christ, all I ask for is that you spare my children.  Lord, you have been able to use me and many, many other people that come from divorce.  I pray that my children will be preserved through this.  I pray that they will understand what happened one of these days and that they aren’t bitter towards me or Keri.  I pray that you protect them, guard them in your truth and help them Lord to make better choices than we did.  Help them Father, to always be willing to look to you for guidance and to admit their mistakes. 

Please have mercy on me Father…You know that I have done everything.  I’m not happy that I have gotten this angry.  I’m ashamed that I have allowed Keri’s anger to push my buttons and cause me to react like this, but I’m deeply hurt and I no longer want to live like this.  I’m officially broken.