Am I embracing God’s brokenness in my life as a doorway to true life and fruitfulness?
24 I tell you the truth, unless a kernel of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains only a single seed. But if it dies, it produces many seeds. 25 The man who loves his life will lose it, while the man who hates his life in this world will keep it for eternal life. - John 12:24-25
The true blessings of the Christian life, and eternal life, begin when you die to yourself. This makes no sense to us humans who crave comfort, so we resist surrendering our “self-life” to God. God knows this, so in His mercy, He often intervenes to shatter our dreams and frustrate our plans of living our life apart from His will. We do have a choice though. We don’t have to die to ourselves. It is possible to rebel against God’s brokenness and instead choose to seek our own pain relief or to lose heart (Heb 12:5-11). Jesus said, those who choose this not only miss the blessings of God, but they will finally miss living forever.
The part of my story video that seems to touch people the most is where I had been making an audio journal recording, and it eventually turned into a prayer of anguish. I can be heard screaming out to God, “I feel so alone…My heart is broken…I’ve lost everything for you…I don’t know how much longer I can make it God!” During the seven months it took to produce my story video, I cried countless times as I had to relive that moment. What I captured in that moment was complete brokenness. God had finished shattering my dreams and stripping me down to nothing. He knew that’s what I needed in order to be prepared for the unique mission He had for me.
To me, the most interesting part is where I’m crying out, “Please use it God…please use it…please don’t tell me I’m going through this for nothing.” I believe the Spirit of Christ moved me to pray those words to remind me that brokenness has a reason and a season, but that redemption would one day come. God is so faithful and so wise my friend. The days came when I finally realized that God loved me enough to push my train off the tracks, so that I would not run it off the cliff. Not everyone has to go through the same type or length of brokenness, but we do all have to go through it, so that we can produce many seeds. If we respond properly (and not everyone does) we will find indescribable beauty in brokenness. We are able to respond properly when we accept by faith (Rom 8:28) that God is completely Sovereign (Gen 45:8, Ps 135:6, Pro 16:4) and that everything He does or allows is an act of love towards us, even when it doesn’t feel like it (Ps 145:13, Heb 12:6). It took a long time, but the days came when I thanked God more for bringing the brokenness, than I ever did for Him removing it. I am still learning how to more fully obey God and to deny myself each day.
Brokenness is God’s way of helping us to break through the ugly veil of our self-life, and I had a lot of self that was in His way! I am still completely amazed when I read Jesus’ words here in John, knowing they were written 2000 years ago and yet they are my personal experience. There are many seeds being produced today because I “fell to the ground and died”. Don’t be afraid to lose your life for Christ, because you don’t actually lose anything worth keeping. What you gain is an unspeakable glorious joy. Fear not and embrace His brokenness!